One of the things about academia is that it can be extremely troublesome socially. I’m a pretty passive-aggressive person when it comes down to it, and I left my program last spring with a lot of unresolved issues socially. I probably could have done a lot more to fix the situation, but in the end, I run from problems and try to put them in my rearview mirror as unfortunate 20 car pileups instead of getting out of the car and trading insurance numbers with everyone. In short, I’m nervous to return to the program this fall because I honestly don’t know what happened in May or afterwards. I’m also a little bit unclear (oh, problems of communication) what even happened in April about everything.
I’m posting about it because I’m currently working up the courage to respond to an e-mail from my advisor, which just deepens the reality that I’m going back to drama that I am responsible for, feel badly about, and really, have no control of anymore.
Part of me wants to say, “Fuck the drama, my scholarship is what’s important!” but the truth of it is that there are good people in the program, and there’s really no one I dislike. I know that classes will help me just bite the bullet, but right now, going back is a horrifying chasm of terrible. :(
One more week!
